"We have to go back now!" said Debs as quietly as she could.
"Why?" asked Errol.
"Why? There are space pirates trying to hijack the cruise line! We must tell someone!" said Debs.
"You think something like that would have been missed by the onboard security? The engine went quiet on the ship. That means they were probably hit with some sort of secret weapon that cut the power on the ship. Or maybe they infiltrated it and someone cut all the power. Either way, I'm sure they are well informed that they are being hijacked," said Errol.
"Then we can go and help them!" said Debs.
"The pirates?"
"No! We need to help them fight off the pirates!"
"Fight off the pirates. Are you mad? This isn't Muppet Treasure Island. These are pirates. They kill people, with that gun thing they were holding. We're canadian, remember? Have you ever held a gun?"
Debs remained silent for a bit, "Well we can go back and be somewhere safer than here."
"From the looks of it, I bet we're pretty safe. They proably have all the passengers rounded up and they are looting and pillaging them as we speak," said Errol.
"Well, I don't like the thought that we're on their ship. How did we get on their ship for that matter? How on earth did you lead us there?"
"One, we're not on earth. Two, I didn't lead us there. YOU lead us there! Remember, you wanted us to go back to our room!"
"You wanted to go check out the sound! That was this pirate ship docking! That's what the sound was!"
"How in the world did they make that tight of seal that we didn't get sucked out into space? Do you know how close we came to dying?" asked Errol.
"Look, we're close to dying now if we remain on this ship! We should go back!" said Debs as she started walking towards where they came from.
"Wait, you're going in the direction where the pirate went," said Errol.
"Well, he probably knows how to get back," said Debs.
"And what if he turns around and comes back! We'll run into him, he'll shoot me, do unspeakable things to you, and then we're done for," said Errol.
"Well, you'd be done for if he shot you," said Debs.
"Thanks," said Errol. Debs started walking back and Errol followed her.
"I don't think this is a good idea! We're going to get killed!"
"Better being killed on our ship tha on theirs. I don't want to be stuck on a pirate ship and have absolutely no chance of getting back home," said Debs.
"Well, you have a point there," grumbled Errol as he followed Debs, who was walking extra carefully now.
"Do you even know where we are?" asked Errol
"Of course I don't knw whwere we are. If I knew where we were, we wouldn't be here in the first place! We'd be there!"
"So we try and walk away from the noise of this space ship, right?" asked Errol
"Well, that's hard, I can't really tell where the noise is coming from. It's just all around us," said Debs.
"And it's loud. Much louder than I remember. Their ship is really loud. How come it's so big? I would expect a pirate ship to be small, and easy for raiding. This ship looks big! Just our luck to get the mother of all pirate ships to hijack us," said Errol.
Debs didn't say a word and kept walking. The hallway was dimly lit, there wasn't that much light around, and everything was basted in a soft orange light.
"You know, I never did like orange lights. They replaced the streetlights with orange lights because they thought it would show less shadows or something. To me, it just looked like a good way to not identify your attacker. I couldn't see a thing in those street lights," said Errol.
"Hush," said Debs.
"I would expect that we should hear gunshots, and rioting, and looting, and everything else that goes with pirating. I don't hear anything except for the sound of this ship, which doesn't sound like it's abating. Are you sure you know where we are going?"
"Shut up! I am doing the best I can here. It's 4am, I am tired, and we are stuck ona pirate ship and can't even figure how ot get back. How is that possible?"
"This wouldn't have happened if you went dancing with me," said Errol.
"Arrgggg," grumbled Debs as she continued to lead them down the dark passageway. There were different hatchways that went off on all directions, and Debs was thoroughly confused. She wished her map worked. Or at least told her a direction to go in."
"Maybe the ship turned around, and so that's why we don't know where to go," said Errol.
"That makes no sense whatsoever," said Debs.
"Well, I don't know why we are so easily disoriented. Nothing seems familiar at all. Look, there's a ladder going up to another level. Do you remember a ladder? Heck do you remember another level? What is this place? It's like some strange Tardis thing."
"Oh crap, maybe that's what it is!" said Debs.
"What? How can that be. That technology doesn't exist," said Errol.
"How do you know what exists and doesn't? All you know are the latest video game consoles," said Debs.
"Look, it's currently an impossibility with physics. You can't make one of those things now!"
"Show's you how much you know. We've entered some strangely large spaceship, without noticing any breach in the hull, and we can't find our way back. There's some wonky science happening here. Probably quantum or something," said Debs.
"So you think we're caught in some inter dimensional space ship. Great. How do we even know if we can get back to the ship then?" asked Errol.
"What do you mean?" asked Debs.
"Maybe the've left already," said Errol.
"I am sure that it takes a long time to hijack a ship of that size," said Debs.
"You got a point there. We better find the exit soon though, before they finish what they're doing."
"I wonder if they have a map of their ship," said Debs.
"OH! Oh! I remember something from Avatar. They were in the big drill thing, remember? And so Sakka started breaking something knowing full well that the engineer would come to fix it sooner or later. He then stole the blueprints and voila! They figured out a way to destroy the machine."
"I don't want to blow the space ship up!"
"We just need a map!" said Errol.
"And how did they incapacitate the guard?"
"Well, katara used the steam to freeze the guard," said Errol.
"And how are we going to get bending skills? We going to steal those too?" asked Debs.
"Look, how hard can it be? We just hit them on the head, and they go out. I mean, it happens in every single detective noir film I see," said Errol.
"Maybe I should seduce them," said Debs.
"Good grief, Debs. What's wrong with you? These are pirates! This isn't OK Cupid!"
"I could distract him and then bam, you can hit him."
"No! We don't want people to know we're on this ship! When he wakes up, he'll alert everyone else that there are stowaways!"
"But hopefully we'll be off the ship by then!" said Debs.
"And if we don't get off the ship? Then we're dead! DEAD!" said Errol.
"Look, calm down. If we find an engine room, or something like that, then let's give it a try. In the meantime, we should find a way out," said Debs.
"Well, it sounds loud coming from that door. The one at the top of that ladder. We should go to the second level."
"We're really exposed out here. Where are all the pirates?" asked Debs.
"They're probably looting! That's what pirates do!" said Errol.
"Then what if the engineer is out looting too? What if no one comes?"
"Well, then maybe we'll keep them from leaving! Right? So we go and wreck something, they realize they need to make repairs, and then bammo! Space police come and arrest them."
"And we, being caught in the middle, get shot in some battle showdown," said Debs.
"Well, ya, there is that. Oh! Oh! We shoud find the comm room!"
"Wouldn't that be on the bridge? You just want to watlz into the bridge and say, 'Hey! Can I borrow your phone?'"
"Look, there may be other ways for them to… oooh. I wonder if I got internet," said Errol as he flicked on his ipad.
"Internet? Look, we don't have time to be surfing for cat pictures now," said Debs.
"No no! Look! See? Look!" said Errol as he showed the settings of his ipad.
"What? What are you showing me?"
"I can see how in range we are of the ships network point. We are… wow, we are far away," said Errol.
"Sorry your connection's spotty," said Debs with a bit of impatience.
"No! The closer we get to the Orion…"
"The stronger the signal!"
"Yes, grasshopper!" said Errol.
"That's pretty clever, I'm impressed," said Debs.
"Ok, in reality, I was wanting to check twitter to see if people were tweeting about this," said Errol.
"Well, can you connect?" asked Debs.
"No. Too far," said Errol sadly.
"Well, let's see if we can rectify that.
Errol's cunning plan did not work out as well as Debs thought it would. Errol was skeptical, he never trusted wireless connection to begin with, he doubted he could find out how to get closer, but he was happy somebody believed in his ideas. They had been walking for about fifteen minutes absolutely no luck in getting closer to the ship.
"How is it going now?" asked Debs.
"Same as it has before. There hasn't been a change in connection. I don't understand. We walk in a direction, and it doesn't get stronger, nor does it get weaker. It seems we're in perpetual non-connection hell. This is like trying to get my ipad connected at our apartment at times. I hope you're keeping your eye out for shadows and whatnot."
"Of course I'm keeping my eyes open. I have nothing better to do except walk here while you go and play on the internet," said Debs.
"I am not playing, I am checking for signal strength! That's not fun either!"
"Didn't you say the power went out on the ship?" asked Debs.
"Hmmm, you're right. Why would the access point be working anyway? Would they possibly have an emergency power generated in case of a power outage?" asked Errol.
"I don't know. I think running out of power on a space ship would be very bad. What would generate the oxygen. Maybe the pirates turned it back on just in case," said Debs.
"Nah, I think it can last for a while. The ship is sealed, you know. I mean, it was sealed, until the pirates blasted a hole and docked," said Errol.
"You don't know that happened!" said Debs.
"Well, something has to explain how we walked into this ship! I don't remember any waygates that we entered, do you?"
"Way gates?"
"You know, glowing portals that transport us to different parts of the map," said Errol.
"The map? What are you talking about?"
"You need to play more games.'
"This is no time to be thinking about games!"
"Correction, this is the PERFECT time to be thinking about games. Think of it, decades of computer game playing in these exact scenarios so that I can be in pique form when the aliens attack!"
"This is not a game! And no aliens are attacking!"
"In fact, you bring me to some sort of locked door code trick, and possibly, in order to solve it we have to find three keys, and then maybe solve a series of anagrams, I am there for you. Why, I even have an anagram solver on my ipad."
"Why don't I understand anything you're talking about?"
"Because you don't listen? Oooh, did you know if I took your name I can make the phrase: 'A Blended Rhino'! How awesome is that?"
"This is not helping," said Debs.
"But it's hugely entertaining. Oooh, if I took your whole name, I can make 'debonair enchiladas'! So awesome," said Errol.
Errol was interrupted by a distant screech which echoed from one of the corridors.
"Oh, I don't like the sound of that," said Debs.
"Ignore that corridor. We are not going down there," said Errol.
"What was that?" asked Debs.
"How would I know? I'm no more an expert on freaky spaceship noises than you are?"
"You played all those video games!"
"Then that was an alien zombie dinosaur, if you must know," said Errol.
"Maybe the ship has been taken over by pirates and aliens!" said Debs.
"Don't be ridiculous, with all the space faring we have done, humanity hasn't encountered a single alien yet," said Errol.
"Well maybe this will be the first time! There are aliens on this ship, that's why we can't find anyone. The aliens have eaten them all!"
"Why must you assume we'd make good food?" asked Errol.
"Because why else would they be harvesting our bodies?"
"No one is harvesting our bodies!"
"They are going to eat us, I know it," said Debs.
"If were alien beings. I mean, to another race outside of humanity, we would be, but if we were aliens, and we found, oh, E.T lying on the ground trying to get home, is your first compulsion to eat him? NO! We… well… we'd probably probe the little guy in as many uncomfortable places as possible. But we wouldn't eat him!"
"I don't want to be probed either!" said Debs.
"This from the girl wanting to seduce all the pirates," said Errol.
"Shut up! Look, we need something to protect ourselves. If there are aliens on this ship, we need to get some laser gun or something," said Debs.
"There aren't aliens on the ship!"
"What was that noise then? It certainly sounded alien to me!"
"How would we even know what aliens sound like? We never met one!"
"Maybe that space pirate we saw had his body harvested! And now, and now he's going to go and infect more people with his killer tentacles!"
"Are you sure you don't watch a lot of Japanese anime?" asked Errol.
Another screech echoed down the hallway. Errol and Debs froze.
"Is it closer? That sounds closer."
"I don't know. Maybe it's closer. It's hard to tell. I don't know how sound travels when on a ship within space. Do sound acoustics work the same way? I guess it depends on the air it's travelling through. I mean, it can't be the same mixture of oxygen and nitrogen that is on earth, right?" asked Errol.
"How should I know? Did you take space physics in school? No. Neither did I."
"What did you get a degree in, anyway?"
"I did psychology," said Debs.
"You were trying to make finding a job difficult?" asked Errol.
"Look, it's an important field, ok?"
"You were there for the boys, weren't you."
"Shut up!"
The screech came again.
"That was closer, that was definitely closer," said Debs.
"Why are we standing here. We have to go in the opposite direction!"
Errol and Debs started to go in as opposite direction possible that they could from the noise. Errol was starting to imagine slurping, slime and tentacle sounds, and this was wreaking havoc on his pretense of bravery. They clambered up another ladder they found and disappeared into a small hatch.
"There! Press that button!" said Errol.
Debs slammed a small button on the wall and a door closed them in. She saw another button that said had a lock symbol on it and she pressed that as well. They heard a mechanical whirring sound, and then a lock. This was followed by a faint hiss.
"Look! There's some nice netting here," said Debs as she sat herself down.
"Netting?" asked Errol.
"Ya! It's all foamy and the like. Very nice," said Debs.
"This is safety webbing. Why is there safety webbing in this room… Oh crap. Open that door!"
"What?" asked Debs.
Errol leaped up and tried to hit the button to open. A small siren came on and the room was bathed in orange and red light.
"Orange light again," grumbled Errol as he jumped into the webbing.
"OW! Move over you big lummox!" yelled Debs.
The room shook and then they were mushed into the webbing as the force of the escape pod leaving the ship jolted them around.
Errol got out of the webbing and looked out the window.
"The damage doesn't look as bad out here," said Errol.
"Good one. Is there really damage?" asked Debs as she went to the window too.
The pod was spiralling, and they could see the Orion Express sitting in space, it's lights not as bright as they remembered when it first arrived. There was a ship docked to it, like a large spider wrapping it's legs around it's bow.
"That looks nasty," said Debs.
"That's because you're a perv," said Errol. He looked around and found another button.
"Don't press that, you'll probably blow up this ship," said Debs.
"Why in the world would the put a self destruct button in an escape pod? That doesn't make sense!"
"So people wouldn't be captured by aliens trying to probe them?"
"Don't be ridiculous. We are in an escape pod and we have no idea where we are heading. Where are we anyway? Did we enter hyperspace yet or are we still in our solar system?" asked Errol.
"Didn't you read the travel guide? We should be way past Alpha Centauri by now," said Debs.
"Crap, that's a long way from home," said Errol.
"Yes. It is. And if we don't find someway to get back to the Orion, we're going to be stuck out here."
"Is there food on this escape pod?" asked Errol.
"That's all you think about," said Debs.
"All you think about are boys. I don't see how that is any improvement," countered Errol.
"Look, there should be food. That's what escape pods are for. And judging by the size of that webbing, this pod should have been able to hold at least 10 more people. So that means there should be food in this pod to last 12 people for at least a week."
"Wow, you were paying attention. But this isn't an Orion escape pod. It's from that spider ship. Maybe they haven't kept it stocked."
Suddenly, the all too familiar female computer voice gently wafted into the soundspace.
"Please enter the webbing. We will engage hyperspace in 10 seconds," said the voice.
"Whoa, this pod has hyperspace capabilities? I didn't think they were allowed to do that," said Errol.
"Wait, we're going somewhere else now? Great. It better be back to earth," said Debs.
Errol climbed into the webbing. "Get in here, you're so slow! And if it did go back to earth, there goes our gig."
"I think the last thing we have to worry about would be our gig. I'm sure that the hijacking has put a damper on the whole cruise anyway. Merle is going to be so made when they can't find us."
"5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Please brace yourself," came the soothing voice again.
Errol and Debs felt a smaller lurch as they entered hyperspace. Errol felt a lot sicker than he remember feeling in a long time. Debs threw up on him.
"THAT IS DISGUSTING!" yelled Errol.
Debs couldn't say anything. Errol was so disgusted he threw up as well.
"EWWWW!"
"YOU STARTED IT!"
Their trip didn't go any better after that.